64 Thoughts Every Woman Has On Summer Runs

1. It’s hotter than Ryan Gosling out here.
2. How warm does it need to be to get a heat stroke?
3. If I just don’t eat anything “bad” today do I need to workout?
4. Run outside or go to the gym?
5. Tan. If I go outside, I’ll get tan.

6. Why do I have to live in the one place where getting to an air-conditioned gym takes 15 minutes?
7. I need to clean out my car.
8. Why is it that I can never find a complete pair of socks?
9. I should have done laundry yesterday.
10. This spray-on sunscreen makes me feel slimy while simultaneously making me wonder if I’ve missed a spot.
11. Do shorts that don’t ride up actually exist?
12. Does this sports bra smell?
13. I’m turning it inside out.
14. Get this workout over. Come back. Get fro-yo.
15. Well hello there, instantly-gross-hit-me-in-the-face humidity. We meet again.
16. I should have tied my shoelaces tighter.
17. My ankle hurts.
18. I wish tanning beds existed that didn’t give you cancer.
19. I don’t want to do this.
20. This headband is not going to stay on.

21. Maybe if I go on a cleanse I can skip this sweating stuff.
22. I need to buy watermelon.
23. SHADE, YES.
24. Is my bicep sweating?
25. Someone needs to make the ultimate workout playlist station on Pandora and share it with me.
26. Is it just the heat or do I have exercise-induced asthma?
27. I wonder where I am in my cell phone data plan this month.
28. Bikini body in the making. Bikini body in the making.
29. Aaaand my right headphone is definitely not playing music.
30. Maybe if I suck the sweat out, it’ll work again.
31. I don’t want to be doing this.
32. A hill? Now? Really?
33. I feel as though the man running shirtless with his dog across the street is trying to brag that he can wear less clothes appropriately in public than me.
34. I’m wearing the wrong underwear for this.
35. Do I have anything I can defrost for dinner?
36. I should have worn softer socks.
37. I’m craving a smoothie. One that doesn’t cost $11.50.
38. No, fro-yo. Eye on the prize.
39. My mascara is definitely running down my cheeks.
40. Did I remember to put on deodorant?
41. This song is way too slow.
42. I need to invest in some sort of cute running hat.
43. STUPID. Headband. Stay. Put.
44. The things I would do for an ice cream cone right about now.
45. “Sweatproof” makeup is clearly a joke.
46. Is there a medical condition for excessive sweating?
47. I’m definitely burning more calories since it’s hot out. I have to be.

48. Maybe I should start taking baths.
49. BREEZE OH SWEET LORD.
50. How in the world is she wearing pants right now?
51. Can’t. Change. Song. Too. Sweaty.
52. If only it wasn’t so annoying to carry around a water bottle while running.
53. What ever happened with global warming?
54. If my feet swell up any more, my sneakers are going to rip.
55. Where is there a pool around here?
56. STUPID HEADBAND.
57. There are definitely dead bugs stuck to my chest.
58. Do not make eye contact with overenthusiastic runner across the street. Do not make eye contact with overenthusiastic runner across the street.
59. When am I going to catch my breath?
60. Should I have stretched before this?
61. How does [Heidi Klum/Vanessa Hudgenss/Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting] look so good when she runs?
62. The end. SO CLOSE TO THE END.
63. There’s no way I just did four miles, MapMyRun.
64. Just. Want. Shower.