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1. Am I sure I want to wear this?
2. Should I be wearing different underwear?
3. I wonder if Victoria’s Secret is doing the 7/$25 sale anytime soon.
4. Should I put my keys in the pocket in my leggings, or is it better to put them next to my phone in my armband?
5. Crap, where’s my armband?
6. My ankle hurts.
7. Did I send [dad/significant other/supportive friend] the course map?
8. Am I in the right corral?
9. I hope that eensy hole in the crotch of these leggings doesn’t get any bigger because ripped leggings would not be a good look.
10. There are a lot of people behind me. What the hell did I put in as my fastest time?
11. I should have lied about my fastest time.
12. OK, here we go.
13. This is the wrong Miley Cyrus song.
14. Ugh, I hate this awkward walk-to-the-start-line then run, yet the-race-has-already-started business.
15. It’s sort of humid out here.
16. Maybe I’ll PR this race.
17. I should run faster.
18. How great is dry shampoo?
19. Don’t run in the middle if you’re not going to propel FORWARD.
20. When was the last time Jay Z released new music?
21. This headband won’t stay put.
22. Where is the water station?
23. AH-HA! A water station.
24. And we gonna let it burn, burn, burn, burn …
25. His shorts are way too short.
26. Did I put on suntan lotion?
27. If Britney Spears can make it through 2007, I can make it through this race. Thank you, motivational sign holder.
28. Oh, god, he’s not wearing shoes.
29. HOW DO YOUR BARE FEET NOT GET IMPALED BY ROCKS?
30. What’s with that minimalist running thing, anyway?
31. My toe hurts.
32. I hope I don’t lose a toe nail.
33. I wish I was immune to chafing.
34. I wish I could run in those little shorts and not feel so self-conscious.
35. It feels like my sock is bunching up in my sneaker.
36. Am I wearing socks?
37. Thank you, a decline!
38. I could probably run a little faster.
39. Ooh, a race photographer!
40. I should make my hair look nicer.
41. GU. I HAVE GU.
42. OK, now look like you’re really, really into this race.
43. Yeah, that face probably looked stupid.
44. This GU tastes like a decadent dessert.
45. I’m so getting froyo after this.
46. Why is it that the whipped cream machine is never working every damn time I go for froyo?
47. Oh look! Cheerers! Yes, I’ll give you a high five.
48. Aaaaaand I missed. I hope they’re not standing here when I run back by them on lap two.
49. This sports bra isn’t tight enough.
50. What am I going to wear to the bar after this?
51. Can’t this person in front of me hear me coming up behind them?
52. Crap, I just got Gu on my shirt.
53. Maybe if I cough really loudly they’ll move.
54. A hill? Really? Now?
55. MOVE, LADY I’M RUNNING HERE.
56. What should I eat after this?
57. Will Taco Bell still be serving breakfast?
58. Her shoelace is untied. Should I tell her?
59. No, I wasn’t pointing frantically at your too-worn sneakers asking what brand they are.
60. Brooks? Maybe I should look into Brooks.
61. Brooke Shields is looking pretty great for her age.
62. Okay, almost there. Three more miles.
63. Remember when you couldn’t even run three miles?
64. I wish I could afford Lululemon.
65. If I get a PR then I’m ordering a mimosa AND a bloody Mary.
66. Exactly what is the age when you start thinking Bloody Marys are delicious?
67. Ugh, I want a Bloody Mary.
68. And a croissant.
69. Why did I think this was a good idea?
70. This ankle pain has got to GO.
71. AHHHHH, THE FINISH LINE!
72. Where is my [dad/significant other/supportive friend]?
73. Did I close the refrigerator?
74. Okay, smile they’re going to take your finish line crossing photo!
75. I hope I don’t end up on their website.
76. Helllooooooooooo, free goodies.
77. Bagel. I want three. Screw it, four.
78. This foil blanket makes me feel like a superhero.
79. Get this foil blanket off me!
80. Man … running is freakin’ awesome.